Open letter to family supporting laboring moms
This letter was one I wrote to my brother-in-law when my sister was expecting her first baby over a decade ago. I recently found it saved on my computer and thought it would make an excellent blog post. It has tips that would help just about any friend or family member supporting a laboring mom as well. I’m posting it below without any editing.
Dear Jared-
I know you’re not the one birthing, but I feel pretty strongly that childbirth classes are for the dads as much as – if not more than – for the mom. After all, when she goes into labor, who is she going to turn to first? YOU. And so it is important for YOU to learn how to cope with labor as well. She will not likely be thinking rationally and logically in labor, so you will be the one to think of what to try next and how to help.
So I thought I’d write up my very own “Top Ten Ways to help a Laboring Woman” just for you.
10. Bring with you everything you’d pack for a quick overnight stay – toothbrush & paste, deodorant, change of clothes. Labor can be long, and laboring women are highly sensitive to smell. Plus, sometimes moms will pull a dad into the shower with them, or the mom’s water will break and they’ll be in the way, or something like that. It’s nice to have a change of clothes.
9. Keep an eye out to help her stay modest. Sometimes the nurses & doctors are not the greatest at making sure moms are covered up again after exams, etc. Or they leave the door open and the curtain pushed aside. Knowing her, she’ll appreciate it if you help with those things.
8. Try to stay calm. She’ll pick up on your tone, and she doesn’t need added stress from you. If you’re feeling anxious, talk to a nurse, the doctor, or even call me, anytime.
7. She’s queen of the room. If she wants the lights off – they are off. If she wants the TV off, it’s off. If she wants it on, SHE picks the channel. Even if it is Super Bowl Sunday, and she wants to watch Trading Spaces or something else.
6. Don’t rush her. Ignore the clock. Don’t complain about how long it is taking, how tired you are, or make predictions about when baby will come. Don’t go to the hospital too soon – it won’t make baby come faster. The time to go to the hospital is when she feels there isn’t time for a shower on the way.
5. Pay attention to the MOM, not the monitor! Too many dads make the bonehead mistake of saying “Honey, you’re having a contraction now!” when mom is struggling to cope. Or “This one doesn’t look like much on the monitor, why are you moaning for such a little one?” Or my favorite – one I’ve heard several dads say “Wow! This one’s off the charts! Does it hurt really bad?”
4. Take care of yourself – bring foods you can eat quickly and that won’t leave much smell behind. Scarf a granola bar while she’s in the bathroom, etc. Time bathroom trips so she’s not alone during a contraction.
3. Follow her lead. If she’s laughing and cracking jokes herself – it is OK for you to do it, too. If she’s quiet and serious, you should be too.
2. Stay positive. Tell her she is doing well, even if you’re not so sure. Help her stay focused on the fact there is a baby coming. As unbelievable as it sounds, many women forget the whole point. Reminding her that soon she’ll be holding Vale, soon she can count fingers & toes, etc. can be very helpful.
1. Stay close to her. Be within arms reach as much as possible. This is especially important if she chooses to have an epidural. Many women feel abandoned after the epidural, as everyone tends to back off once she isn’t as needy. Affection & love go a long way to making a woman feel supported in labor, and that’s something only YOU can provide. The nurses, doctor, even a doula cannot do that for a laboring mom.
I hope this is helpful. I mean it when I say you can call me any time. I’ve included in this package a book that I think you should read. It is one specifically meant for birth partners. If you don’t crack any of the other books, read that one!
Call or e-mail me with any questions.
Andrea
Open letter to family supporting laboring moms Read More »
About this time eighteen years ago, I finished teaching my very first childbirth class. Three couples, on my couch in my tiny little house. My friend Kristi helped me find the couples to teach, and I had a more experienced educator observing me and mentoring me. I was every bit as pregnant as the women in my class! Doula work would come a few years later as that baby grew, and birth photography about 10 years later. I’m not bored with births yet, and the love and emotion still get to me every single time. I’m so lucky to be a part of those precious moments for families, to see the amazing strength it takes to birth a baby, and to see parents fall in love with their babies! 
I’ve seen the episiotomy rate drop – it used to be routine and nearly all moms got one, now care providers are providing individualized care and doing them on an as-needed basis. I’ve seen a corresponding increase in the number of OBs who are skilled at supporting the perineum.
I’ve seen public knowledge of doulas change dramatically. From the word “doula” being added to the dictionary, to seeing celebrities talk about (or even become) doulas, to seeing multiple doula organizations grow exponentially. When I first started attending births, I would tell women I was a doula and the response would be “You’re a WHAT?!?!?” – now when I tell women I am a doula, the response is much more likely to be “I love doulas! Used one with my births!” or “Oh, my sister had one of those and raved about it!”
Last month I attended the Lamaze International and ICEA combined conference in Las Vegas. While I’m not a fan of The Strip *at all* I was able to have a fantastic time with hundreds of other birth professionals. So much to learn, so many great people to talk with!
As soon as this session ended, a friend and I ran out to our car and got away from the strip for the evening. It was a lovely break from the hustle, bustle and grind of the strip. We drove out to Red Rock Canyon to enjoy the sunset. Felt great to be back in nature and to enjoy some quiet!
At the end of the conference, Lamaze International President Robin Elise Weiss encouraged each of us to share with a neighbor our High/Low/A-ha! from the conference:
The third and final day. After all the learning and all the fun, I am utterly exhausted. And yet I have to present again. First thing in the morning. This time my topic was “Out of the Bayou: Helping Families Navigate the Online Swamp” My roommate and friend was kind enough to attend my session and take a photo of me presenting. 
Then it was time for the last session of the conference, a general session featuring Amber McCann: “Today’s Mothers are All Thumbs: Cultural Competency for Digital Motherhood”. She talked about how involved women of childbearing are are in social media and how we can reach them there. She discussed how moms are not searching the internet looking for your childbirth class, they are searching and looking for INFORMATION. Reaching them with that information can be a good way to get the other thing digital moms want: INTERACTION. I’ve highlighted two of my favorite quotes from her session in graphics for this article.
I attended a split session that I had mixed feelings about. The first part was “Birthing Like the Stars” – all about how to use celebrity births in your classes. I’m not one to follow celebrities at all and don’t think I’ll use her ideas much. But the second half “Prenatal Education and the Flipped Classroom” really got ideas flowing for my private childbirth classes, and I am so excited to implement some of the ideas! (And no, I won’t tell you what they are until I get everything in place! But there is a shot of some of my iPad notes on the right…) Christine Maria Just did a fabulous job presenting what she is doing and how it could be implemented. I wish she could have had the full 90 minutes!
After lunch and the Lamaze membership meeting was a session from Melinda Delisle, owner of Pocket Pregnancy. She spoke on “Attracting parents to Childbirth Classes in the Digital Age: What live classes can offer that online classes can’t” – she opened by asking those present why they came to the conference when they could just learn about these topics online. The answers – networking, community, hands on learning, connection to others facing similar challenges – were also many of the benefits of live childbirth classes! The barriers to attending a conference and attending CBE were also similar: time, cost, not valuing the benefits, etc.
The next morning, we had a few hours before the conference started. After a proper southern breakfast, we headed out to explore the city. We walked the length of Bourbon Street, cut over to St. Louis Cathedral, Jackson Square, and the Mississippi River. Grabbed some beignets to go and headed back to the opening session of the conference.
Next was a breakout session on “Memorable Class Moments” led by Victora Deer – I chose this session because I always try to go to sessions that will not involve PowerPoint, and I was not disappointed! When I first walked in and sat down, I knew this would be a different kind of session, as there were lots of craft materials waiting at each spot. The first thing she had us do was put on a pair of head bopper headbands that had light bulbs representing all the ideas we could get if we allow ourselves creative freedom. Victoria showed us some of the fun things she does in class, but she also talked about how YOU can create your own fun ideas. She presented 5 steps:
These days, a smartphone or an iPad gives you lots of information literally in the palm of your hand. Cutting through the fluff to find the really useful stuff can be a real pain! I’ve found a few apps to be really useful to me in my birth work:
I have always liked the quote in the image above. I wish more women were confident in their strength. I’ve found that while many know the shorter quote, fewer have read the full essay it comes from. The essay is wonderful! It was written in 1998 as a response to the idea that women should not tell birth stories for fear of scaring pregnant women. Sadly it is no longer available online in it’s entirety. (If I’m wrong, please let me know!) I absolutely love the final sentence, about giving birth to her twins.